midlife crisis when the fog lifts

Tabs like you my OH dropped the OW immediately I confronted himafter an 8 year friendship. You are not going to change him. Stay. No is an answer. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. But yet he is still living the single Life (somewhat) by handing out in the bars with people you dont know, you are not invited or included and he puts very little effort towards your feelings. A father. Boo Frickin Hoo! Depressed State of Mind. I feel good about myself. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. It was the principle of it. And I think there is a reason things have changed so suddenly. K. There is nothing you can do. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. She would just stare at them and never say a word. He got upset and said that is what he wants but he doesnt want it on someone elses terms. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. Forgiveness takes a long time. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. Because I just dont want to be that person. Maybe Im not handling the situation properly. I want to be this busy person ive always been and do all these things, but im realizing that I did all those things before bc I felt so secure in my life having him as a husband. Its a fantasy that the cheater believes is real. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. I didnt want to talk about it. You can only change how you react to him. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. I need to get a grip. I think its his conscious. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. He married you. Read up on the 180. Trying to be perfect. Also including the fact he carried out other basic lies for so long, I eventually came to the point where I will never be able to believe he was faithful, even though he has never wavered from saying he felt anything for her, he has never admitted to anything I dont have black and white tangible evidence of, such as phone records, just left me feeling that if I cant prove it, I know he wont admit it, honest as he seems to be now. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. I am not stopping you. I say Im trying hard to trust him. When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. It will bring him up short. A 2 time looser. If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. You can kick him out, 180 him and have no contact as much as possible. I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. And he said in it that a man having an affair can fall back in love with his life, but it doesnt depend on how good his relationship is with the other woman, it depends on how good his relationship is with his wife. I feel like im just being chipped away every day. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. He decided he did not want to. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. Start preparing just in case. My husband was always extremely faithful, and during my pregnancy he took a job in another city and would come home on weekends, etc. I know down the road he would regret it. Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. I dont want him back, I cant take him back after everything Ive been through but he has abandoned his kids and his financial responsibility, my kids are just numb to everything hes doing, (theyre teenagers) its literally like hes a different person. I would just say ok to him b/c I knew I could not change his mind. He changed. He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. I really no longer cared. Said he promised to get better about helping with bills, promised to finish the work around the house he started months ago, told me he was absolutely terrified about losing our marriage. We have all been in your shoes. I am abnormally sad, like a new low. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. Linda: Yes. I know that HE has to be the one to want it, HE has to be the one to want to reconnect with me, I know I cannot make him want that, and any effort to make him want that is only going to push him away. But its not. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. He was impressed by how close my family was, he became a part of it and he loved it and it was like he felt such pride in me as his girlfriend, 5 years later as his fiance, and 6 years later as his wife. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. It of course makes me assume theres the OW, or more than 1, but it does me NO good to focus on that or assume things in my mind and drive myself insane. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. Im not going to accept it. It can lead to a renewed marriage. On the upside, later I talked about how all of those there were married, except a widow, sadly single, and his wicked divorced female cousin. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. and she helps a lot. Major London fog. The vast majority of those betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out what the hell is running through the minds of their cheating spouses. I dont call him a liar. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. Your issues are more than just the A. When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. I had all the lies to me about me and backstabbing two faced bullshit and I couldnt stand any more so I outed my serial cheating husband on Facebook which made our kids mad at guess who NOT THE LYING CHEATER OR HIS MULTIPLE WHORES they were mad at me they blamed me for his screwing sewer rats boy was I hurt to find out HE set me up he played me and our kids off against each other. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I then realized it never ever had anything to do with me. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). Seriously?! But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. I read something by Jack Ito, one of the many articles I have found over the last 7 months that seems to help. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. You have done everything possible you have tried discussing it. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. Or get him to make a decision. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! Am I making myself too available? Who is this alien life form that has taken over my sweet loving husband who wanted nothing more than to be with me? K Im telling you this b/c I could never change his behavior. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. Your request he seek counseling is the right choice. I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. I lived mine that for 6 months. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. So I appeased him b/c I did not think we would last and I wanted my financial protection. That she loved me. Continue to work on yourself both mentally and physically and prepare for the long road ahead and for the possibility that the relationship wont make it. I said my 2-3 sentences and left the room. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. How jaded this makes us. Which is that fair? Im truly living in limbo, with a 5 month old baby, and the love of my life, who no longer looks at me like he used to. He realized how disrespectful it was. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. In reality he was seeing the OW again and he did not believe he needed it. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. He became a different person overnight. But right now you are being manipulated and used. I dont want him to look at us living together as roomates, but right now when were not working on us, thats basically what we are. He says no sex but I dont believe that. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. I had an excellent therapist but I was sure he was leaving and I had no $ and children. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this.

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